i keep going back and forth, whether or not this should be out in the open like this. this is what i remember. it may be too much to read. but it somehow feels good to have it out there-it's too much for me to just hold in.
here is the post i posted earlier this morning and the comments that came with it. i took it off, but i am putting it back on--unedited.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2009
i somehow went to bed last night with some peace, but i woke up this morning with my mind going a million miles a minute. i kept replaying that night, the sights and the horrors. don't feel like you have to keep reading. if you do keep reading, you don't have to comment. i just really feel like i need to get some of it off my chest.
i always try to keep a busy days going when adam is gone and since he went to work that morning, saturday was no different. me and jake planned to switch rooms around since adam had just finished jake's new bed. we were moving jake out of the nursery to his big boy room so that we could move mia to the crib since she was still sleeping in our room in her bassinet. moving stuff was taking all morning (with the help of a 2 yr old :)) i got a phone call about a friend of mine that had lost her dear nephew the day before. i knew i had a lot to get done before i was to go out later that afternoon to movie and dinner but i just felt like i needed to go see alycia. we dropped everything and went. we rushed back so we could feed mia. then it was lunch and naptime. after naps, it was time for gabby to come babysit so i could go out. i went and got mia up from her nap a little early because i knew gabby and her mom and sister wanted to meet her. this was the last time i held my baby alive. me, carrie, and lee (adam's sister and mom) left in a rush so we could get to our movie on time. i kept my phone in a tight grip all through the movie. at dinner, i kept trying to call just to check in. i was getting the worried mom feelings-it was my first time leaving mia since she was born. all throughout dinner i just kept wanting to be home-i was sick about it. once we finally got home, all was well. calm and well. jake was happily playing with gabby(he just adores gabby-we all do) and i didn't hear any baby cries. i wanted to check mia just then, but all was well-she wasn't crying or anything. but i didn't look. lee stayed with jake while i took gabby home. when i returned again, i wanted to check mia but told myself not to wake her. jake and i stayed downstairs for a little bit and adam called to say hi. i was happy to tell him that our day had been busy and that it actually had gone by quick( the quicker the better-it means he will be home earlier). in the back of my mind i remember thinking why it somehow felt like a bad day, even when it had gone so quick. i kept reviewing it. all went well-why did it feel bad? huh. as went up the stairs, i noticed my door was open. when i got closer i heard the fans weren't on( i usaully have one on the keep warm and one to drown out noise so mia can sleep). so i quietly shut the door so i wouldn't wake mia. while shutting the door, i wanted to check her again. and again. i told myself not to worry. i put jake to bed. we said our prayers and went throught our regular motions. "love you jakie, night-night", "lodu mommy. check baby. check baby" (this is what is said everytime i put him down for a nap or to bed) nothing different that night. except that i didn't check baby. not even after that. i didn't check on her. i did dishes. i pumped. i turned on the tv. i was on freaking facebook. but i didn't check my baby. why didn't i check her? why did i not have that battle in my head that i always have? the one that i always give into and end up checking on her? why didn't i battle? where was the battle? finally at about 9:45 i went upstairs to get mia to cuddle a little bit before i fed her at 10. i remember walking in our room with a smile on my face thinking how excited i was to she her turn her head and smile at me in her bassinet like she always did when i went to get her. but as i did turn my head to see her-i didn't see her. i set my things down to get closer and i just saw her face down in her bed. my heart sunk. things were really blurry and happened really fast after that. i just remember picking up her little lifeless body. mia you are just kidding, i thought. this isn't happening. but it was and i had to help her. she wasn't breathing. i put her on my bed-she was really yellow and kind of greyish-but still warm. i knew i had to act fast. i grabbed my phone and frantically call 911. as the lady asked my adress i remembered i had just locked the doors so i needed to go downstairs so they could get in to help my baby. i carefully picked up mia's precious, limp body and went downstairs while still on the phone with 911. i couldn't hear the lady anymore. i remember screaming to her don;t leave me-don;t leave me, you can;t leave me-i need to help my baby! was seems like forever she came back on and started to walk me through cpr. she had me lay her flat and kneel next to her. i had no idea if i could do this. but i needed to save her. just then the door pounded and i let the two officers in. they started working on her. they didn't look very comfortable with what they were doing, more people kept piling in. there had to be at least ten people kneeled around my mia, trying to help her. all i remember then is being on the floor pleading for help. please help my baby. they started to pick her up to take her to the ambulance. i was running to go with them. but i can't leave jake.i called adam's parents-"get down here-mia's not breathing" i heard adam's mom gasp and hang up. i still couldn't leave him while i waited for them to come-i saw bruce and nancy and yelled them in so i could run after the ambulance. they wouldn;t let me in. the officer said they needed space. he put me in his car. i don't if i ever stopped screaming and pleading-"please help my baby." "is my baby okay??" and most of all-"i didn't check my baby" i was trying to get a hold of adam. we were following the ambulance. they stopped for a minute. i could see them franctically working on mia. i thought that if they stopped, maybe that means she is alive? we kept going. i didn't know if she was okay. i couldn't tell adam that she was okay. i didnt know. all of the hospital is a blur. they tried so hard for awhile, i know that. i remember arlan giving mia a blessing. i think that was the first time i stopped screaming. i knew then that she wasn't coming back. the spirit was strong. her spirit was strong. but i still didn't want to believe it. the dr kept trying to tell me there was no response-i kept pleading. they kept going for a few more minutes. and then they just started quietly taking all of the equipment off of her. no. no. this is not happening, i thought-or maybe screamed i don;t know. but it did. my mia went to her Father. she is with her Father in Heaven. she served her purposes here and is back now. i know that because she is so perfect, she only needed the short time to fulfill what it takes most of us decades to even try to complete.
looking back on the few months, i can pick out moments that the spirit was with me. it had to of been-it was preparing me-or trying to at least.
the last couple of weeks of the pregnancy is when it started. i just kept getting feelings about this baby, i would tell adam we need to prepare for this baby-i think she is special. i thought that that feeling meant that she would be born with a birth defect of some sort, but when she came out perfect i didn't think about it anymore. until now. her only defect was that she was perfect. too good for this world.
my baby mia was the sweetest thing to grace this earth. oh-she melted my heart. she started smiling at four weeks. i didn't think that was possible. i kept asking her why she was smiling so much, what she was doing to me-you are just taking care of me aren't you-i would tell her as i would kiss her smiles. she took such good care of me. always smiling. always. the poor girl had a hard time eating-she always had to stop and smile at me. she was comforting me. as she is now. i could not be writing any of this if it weren't for her comfort. i can't tell you how many times a day i would be holding her and just squeeze her telling myself to just soak her up. and i did. i was a mia hog. i couldn;t put her down. i couldn't stop kissing her. i couldn't stop loving her. i feel like the spirit helped me to make sure i did these things often. i did these things with jake, too-but it was different with mia- i remember thinking "take her in" so many times a day. i love my mia may more than i can begin to describe. i am so grateful she was here. she took such good care of me. i will never ever forget the feeling of my beautiful mia cuddling in my arms. i am excited to be able to do that again. and because of the Atonement i know i can. i would not trade those precious 73 days for anyting. anything. not even this horrible hurt. i know where she is. she is with her Heavenly Father and her brother, Jesus. she has visited her grandpa. she will teach him. she has taught us so much and will continue to do so. she has strengthened my testimony. and will continue to do so. i know that she is still with us and that she will continue to watch over her family. we have our good moments and horrible moments. but with the help of our Heavenly Father-and only with his help will we get through the rest of this life until we can be with her again. as i visited with alycia, i remember admiring her strength. i remember admiring the strength she said her sister and husband had. in that moment i thought-i hope i have that much strength when it happens to me-i didn't think of it in that moment, but i do now-why wasn't it if? why was it when? the spirit was with me then, too. giving me great examples. thank you. and thank you to all of our family and friends. there has been so much support. we love it. and are so grateful for it. thank you.
i have a really hard time thinking about that night and what i feel i should have done different. i know the spirit has been here so strongly. i know that mia's sweet spirit has been here with me. i need them.
POSTED BY THE BRANDT FAMILY AT 9:06 AM 5 COMMENTS
Andrea said...
Oh Brooke and Adam! My heart has not stopped hurting for you from the moment I found out. I am so glad you let me come and visit yesterday! Mia's spirit was so strong in your home. And eventhough you felt extremely helpless and not sure how you will go on, I also sensed your peace of knowing there is a greater purpose we can't neccessarily see yet, and this post confirms it. It took me a while to figure out the purpose behind my little Addison having to leave. I truly am amazed that in the darkest of moments, you are already starting to see the greater purpose of this tragedy! I know you will come out of this with huge holes in your heart (and they will never heal, I'm sorry to tell you) but you will also be such stronger, more compassionate people, spouses, and parents. You already are! I'm so glad you decided to share your feelings about that night, and all the details. As hard as they are to think about,you will be grateful for every little detail later on. I never wrote down my feelings so closely after Addison's death. I feel sad that my memory is starting to forget some things I thought I'd never forget. Continue to write these feelings down, whether you make them private or public. Write down every detail of Mia that you can think of. And don't be afraid to take pictures over the next few days events either. I felt a little weird about taking pictures of her in her casket, but I did end up with one, and I cherish it so much. And lastly, please never hesitate to call me! I will come at a moment's notice. Don't be afraid to lean on people right now! I am here for you guys. I love you both so much, and I am so sorry you are going through such a nightmare right now!
November 23, 2009 2:22 PM


Erik and Michelle said...
I dont know you, and you dont know me, but I know Adam and Mel Tripp. I saw your story and I am so sorry for your loss. She is beautiful. I dont know how you are feeling or what you are going through but please let me know if you need anything. I found this poem, I hope you like it.


Jesus is she with you?
I wonder every day,
I sit and wonder why she's gone
and why she could not stay

Every Part of me is empry
I feel I can't go on
but then I look to heaven
and hear this beautiful song

Mommy I am with Him
He holds me in his arms
When ever I am with him
he keeps me safe and warm

He Says you shouldnt worry
I am sae and loved right here
with all the other baby angels
that passed within the years

we have a special Place up here
He thought that you should know
Where the Blessed mother takes
your place for now until you show

when I hear this precious little voice
from the heaven above
I know that all the angels
Are showering her with love

For everyone that wants to hear
their babies voice so innocent and sweet
just close your eyes and begin to pray
and embrace them in your sleep
-angela Gibson-

I know you will be able to hold your little girl again. Again I am very sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your family

Michelle and Erik Brown
November 23, 2009 2:25 PM


chelsea and Jeremy said...
I am so sorry for your loss. MY prayers are with you and your family.

Chelsea (white) hellstrom
November 23, 2009 3:02 PM


Meredith and Jason said...
Brooke,

I know this is random- but I read about your cute little Mia on the Tripps blog. I came over to your blog and read and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing that. What an example your testimony is! I am so sorry for your loss. Your family is in my prayers.

Meredith (Lloyd) McIlrath
November 23, 2009 3:39 PM


melissa-brad said...
oh brooke, my heart is aching for you right now. even though we haven't seen each other since high school, i still feel connected through the blog.

brooke, what a year this has been. i can't imagine.
the strength you have to go through this. the spirit you have is undoubting. your testimony will forever be remembered by me, and your example rings through to everone who not only will read this, but who knows you.
i can't tell you how sorry i am for your loss. my heart feels so heavy. please know my sincere thoughts of love are with your family right now.
me and brad will absolutely keep you in our prayers.
November 23, 2009 4:02 PM