i can't begin to tell you how grateful we are for all of the support we have recieved in the last three days. i can not believe all of the people that have come out of the woodworks to show us they care. all of the food, flowers, gifts, letters, calls, texts, comments, hugs and especially the prayers. we feel them. we need them. whether i know you, kind of know you or don't even know you at all please know that i feel your love and that we so appreciate the gestures, they mean so much. even though they don't take the pain completely away, they give me reassurance that there is a chance. they give me hope. hope that i may be able to keep breathing. to keep going. to try and pick myself of the floor so that i can work to see my baby again. to hold her and to love her in my arms and kiss her beautiful cheeks. i know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that he has sent His faithful servants our way by way of all the food, flowers, gifts, letters, calls, texts, comments, hugs and especially the prayers. we thank each of you. i know that He loves me, and each of us because of His plan. through His loving and faithful son, Jesus Christ, He has made it possible for us to see our loved ones again. because He has made this possible, i know He loves me. i have never considered myself strong in any way, especially spiritually. but there is no way to deny the spirit that has so lovingly showered our home in the last three days. i need it.
although i know where my mia is, in my dark moments i have the tendancy to slip back into horrific trips of guilt and what ifs. and i wonder- if it was mia's time to go why didn't He just come and get her? why did it have to happen like this? why do i have to feel like i could have prevented it? saved her? i have (and espcially adam has) prayed that i be comforted and that i may know that this would have happened regardless of what i did or did not do. that is was time for mia to go back to her Heavenly Father. i feel that He has answered these prayers in small ways. i feel He has sent people our way to tell us of similar experiences. one in particular, was of a family that had their perfectly healthy baby in their arms and saw their baby slip away, called for help right then and still were not able help. Heavenly Father just came and got their baby. the medical examiners had mia for awhile after to do tests, they even came and took things from the house-her last bottle, all of her bedding, and took lots of pictures. they have yet to find a cause of death. they haven't even found definate proof that she may have suffocated. they tell us usually these types of things are obvious. maybe He did just come and get her. that there was nothing i could do. His plan is greater than mine. He knows what He is doing. we may have no idea what it is right now, especially as i ache for my baby, but someday we will know. it will make sense.
i needed to get that all down in writing so that when i do slip back into my dark moments i can prove to myself that at some point i did know this.